That’s it. You’ve taken the plunge, accepted the job or just madly sold everything you own to realise your dream move to France. Well done. Have you asked the children what they think? To expect them to be as caught up in your excitement might be too much madness on top of moving to a ruined barn in the Auvergne.
Of course, there are many advantages to bringing your children up in France. Top of the list is becoming bilingual. But, it’s naïve to think you can throw children in at the deep end expecting them to emerge unscathed, shrugging their Gallic shoulders and speaking like natives. More importantly, how do you persuade them this is a good idea?
The answer depends on what kind of children they are. Few are won over by the prospect of being bilingual; after all, that just means extra work. But, sporty children love the idea of a better climate and France’s great sports facilities. With snowy mountains and the water playground of three coastlines, France is a feast for the active. It is also true that sporting prowess helps children of all ages to integrate.
Not every child falls for this tack though. Mind you, this is the home of Sartre and existentialism; the Louvre and the Mona Lisa; or even Euro Disney and Mickey Mouse! There are cultural bribes even the moodiest of teenagers finds hard to resist.
However, you still need to be realistic. Moving a teenager from Brighton to the Cévennes is not going to be easy when there is little in the way of urban culture among the acres of chestnut trees.
Massive shock
For Clare, 13, and David, seven, it took the promise of a pool to convince them that moving to France might be a good idea. Their French father had inherited a house and decided that the family was going to move – without consulting the children. He assumed that his children could speak his language, even though he rarely spoke it with them.
Needless to say, for Clare and David the rapid change of lifestyle was a massive shock. To win them over, as well as the pool, they were enrolled at an international school but rather than softening the culture shock, the experience only added to their feelings of confusion.
The English part of the day was straightforward enough but they found the French half enormously frustrating. For comfort, they preferred mixing with fellow English speaking students and didn’t mix with French pupils. At their international school there was also a constant flux of children with varying language abilities arriving throughout the school year. This did little to provide a reassuring and structured school environment for them.
With such a difficult start to life in France, it took two years before they became settled and able to speak the language. Now, with the move behind them, they are established at the local school, and a sense of normality has returned to their lives.
The international school wasn’t the best start for them, but to throw them, literally speechless, into the state system might have been far worse. Their move happened so quickly they didn’t have time to learn French – in hindsight a big mistake.
Age is a key factor: the younger the better. Eight seems to be an accepted ‘cut off’ point, for both boys and girls. That doesn’t mean moving older children will be a disaster, but undoubtedly it will be more difficult. Once into secondary school, children establish firm friendships and firm ideas about themselves. Being a teenager is hard enough without the added pressure of having to uproot and learn another language.
Young adults
The advantage of moving older children is that they are much more aware of what is going on. As young adults, it is important they feel involved in the move. In the rush to get organised for departure, taking the time to listen to their concerns is essential to making them feel they are playing a part in their own destinies.
Helen Jennings considers psychological preparation as important as learning the language. As a child, her missionary parents moved from country to country, so she became accustomed to upheaval. When it came to moving her three daughters, aged five, eight and ten, she spent as much time as possible teaching them French and planning the move with them. After a year in the village school, the girls are speaking like the locals and appreciating French life. Helen’s hard work before departure paid off.
There are courses run specifically for families planning a move abroad. Farnham Castle, in Surrey, runs courses for people moving all over the world, including popular family programmes. Increasingly, companies are sending employees on this programme as they realise family happiness affects an employee’s productivity. The course can dramatically change the way children feel about moving to France. One girl of nine finally confessed she didn’t want to move because she didn’t want to leave her favourite wallpaper. Armed with rolls of identical wallpaper, her parents convinced her that her new bedroom would be just as pretty. Trivial maybe, but it persuaded her to move. Small details can mean everything.
Don’t be blasé. Even very young children can find it difficult. An intelligent four-year-old is a complicated beast – tantrum-prone but able to understand the concept of changing countries.
Sam was four when he moved to Lyon. He joined the second year of school for French children (école maternelle, moyenne section) from his reception (first) year in the UK but found his classmates were behind him. This had the unexpected bonus of helping him settle. Language lessons before moving also helped. He was able to speak simple phrases when he arrived in class; being confident he could ask to use the toilet and count to ten were important morale-boosters for young Sam.
Also unexpected, but less positive, was Sam’s homesickness. It is a myth that only teenagers miss their old home. In Sam’s case, monthly trips to see British friends – also working in France with young children – persuaded him to accept life in France.
Email contact
Make use of the expat community. Contact with Anglophone families reassures children of the continuity between their old and new lives. Seeing other bilingual children makes them understand they are not freaks. For older children, email contact and budget airlines can also help change their minds. Flying friends over for visits is a small price to pay for turning your children into mini-expats.
Having ‘old’ friends to stay in their ‘new’ country helps some children, not just reducing homesickness, but also by establishing that what they have done and that being bilingual they have kudos. A network of friends in two countries is a persuasive bonus.
Persuading children to move to France doesn’t mean convincing them that there will be a miraculous change in their lives. Yes, it will be different, but problems won’t disappear by leaving the country; rather, they are likely to become magnified. And, you have to be utterly honest with them and yourselves. Bright, confident children stand a higher chance of making it past the first six months without breaking down in despair. For a shy child who is not doing well at school, it’s going to be truly difficult. They may hate you for what you have done to them. You are changing their lives and you have to make sure it is for the better.
In my experience, with bilingual children, French people welcome families, especially if you make an effort to join in the local community. The children create their own world between your culture and that of your new home. They become third culture children. You will give them a fantastic view of the world. But, you just have to persuade them to like it.
BOOKS
We’re Moving Where? An Adolescent’s Guide to Overseas Living (Paperback) by Ben Voegele
When Abroad – Do as the Local Children Do: Ori’s Guide for Young Expats (Paperback) by Hilly van Swol-Ulbrich, Bettina Kaltenhauser
WEBSITES
www.farnhamcastle.com
www.ori-and-ricki.net - aimed at younger expat children,but still a useful site
www.piglanguedoc.blogspot.com - gives you an idea of what Anglophones can do when they get together to support themselves and their children
There are many websites offering information – search for ‘third culture children’
Tips to help your child come to grips with moving to France
1 Plan the move together; involving the children from the start helps them feel they have a say in the plan.
2 Listen to them. What seems trivial to you might make the world of difference to them.
3 Learn the language before you go. Obvious maybe, but this is essential to avoid frustration.
4 Be positive that YOU are doing the right thing. If you have doubts you can’t expect the children not to notice.
5 Encourage them to stay in touch with friends from their ‘old’ life whilst enjoying their ‘new’ life. Email is a lifeline for expat children and adults.
6 Make use of expat networks. Meeting families in the same position can be enormously helpful – for everyone.