The most important person in this situation is your mother. Chat to your mother, your family and her friends to establish what will make her as happy, safe and healthy as possible in the circumstances, so that when you visit some homes you can go with a checklist. Armed with the right information you and your mother can make a more informed choice about her future accommodation.

The likelihood is that your mother will stay in her own locality or in a locality central to her most regular visitors. If there are no family members or friends able to visit her regularly, you can always arrange for visits by an aromatherapist, for example, or pay someone appropriate to visit her on a regular basis, possibly to take her out. Some charities can arrange for volunteers to come and see the elderly in care.

Decide how much can be spent on care. Many people are very confused about what the state contribution should be towards care of the elderly. Talk to a volunteer from Help the Aged, the Alzheimer’s Society or Age Concern, for example.

Check on social services contributions (which are means tested), nursing contributions and continuing health-care contributions (both of which are not means tested). The application process for the latter is complicated and not for the fainthearted. It might be worth obtaining professional assistance, from an organisation such as Solicitors for the Elderly.

Appropriate homes

The sort of care that your mother will require might need to be established following a discussion with her social worker. You should attend this discussion and subsequent visits to homes, preferably with someone else – they will ensure that you don’t miss anything. Go armed with a sound grasp of your mother’s needs and lots of questions!

At the end of this discussion you will find that your choice of home has been whittled down considerably by reason of need, finance and location. The first bit of sifting needs to be done by you on the computer. Look up CSCI – the Commission of Social Care Inspection – and check out appropriate homes in the right area. Then plough through the rather lengthy reports and at the end of each report, the scores are summarised. You are basically looking for the ones with the highest scores. Then have a more thorough read of the ones which meet your standards.

Residents’ committee

Now for the leg work. With a shortlist of about four suitable homes, make arrangements to go and see them. I would do no more than two in a day, as it is quite an exhausting process. Take the checklist regarding your mother’s needs and wishes with you. A few tips – remember that chandeliers and parkland are great for visitors but they don’t answer the bell when your mother wants a cup of tea! A residents’ committee will be very useful for you when you have emigrated even if your only contact is by email; at least you’ll be updated with what is going on at the home and be able to voice any concerns and get feedback. Listen to how the staff talk to the residents. Talk to other visitors. If your mother has dementia check that staff are adequately trained to deal with this.

Once you have trimmed your shortlist, return to the homes at a different time to build up a more all-round picture. It is likely to be at its calmest in the afternoon, but how do they cope at half-past nine in the morning, at five o’clock at night or at weekends when most staff shortages occur?

How much you involve your mother with the drawing up of a shortlist will depend on her health, but certainly by the time the list is down to two or three, you want your mother to see what she thinks of them. Try to make these joint visits as relaxed as possible and not too rushed. Check whether your mother can go to the chosen home for a week to try it out.

Once your choice has been made, consider setting up a video link at the home if your mother is able to cope with the technology. Remember that problems will occasionally occur at all homes – it is how the home deals with the issues that matters in the long run.